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Home / Opinion / Staff Columnists
Nov. 24, 2022 6:00 am
Hello, you’ve reached the Butterball politics hotline, how can I help?
“I forgot to thaw my turkey. Is there any way I can still roast it?”
Sorry, for a question like that, you need to call the regular Butterball hotline. This is a new service to help people deal with political disputes at their family gatherings. Do you have a politics problem?
“Not yet, but I’ll keep the number handy.”
Butterball politics hotline, how can I help?
“My uncle wore a MAGA hat to dinner and won’t take it off. He called us all ‘snowflakes.’”
Got it. Tell him P.J. O’Rourke, who was a Republican, once wrote, “A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.” Otherwise, carefully snatch it while he naps.
“I’ll try it. Thanks.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
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“My brother and nephew are arguing about the election. My nephew yelled, ‘You want a red wave? Here’s a red wave!’ and threw a bowl of cranberries. What should I do?
Quickly change the subject to the wave at University of Iowa Hawkeye football games toward the children’s hospital. It brings us all together.
“Oh, good call. Thanks.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
“I’m grill smoking my turkey and my daughter home from college says I’m destroying the planet and her future. What should I do?”
Grilling makes up only 0.0003 percent of the U.S. annual carbon footprint. Tell your daughter to relax and enjoy the bird.
“What a relief. Thanks.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
“My son’s girlfriend and my husband are arguing about Hunter Biden’s laptop. What can I do to make them stop?”
Dump each of their plates onto their laps. Now they have a different laptop to worry about.
“Oh, that ought to do it. Thanks.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
“I’m having Thanksgiving dinner at Mar-a-Lago. When I went to the powder room I found a box of nuclear secrets. What should I do?”
Please hold and I’ll connect you to the Department of Justice.
“Thank you so much.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
“My cousin is accusing me of leaving the little marshmallows off the sweet potatoes because I’m ‘woke.’ What’s up with that?”
Tell your cousin he’s the little marshmallow. White, sweet but not too bright.
“Perfect. Thanks.”
Butterball politics. How can I help you?
“My grandparents keep blaming ‘Chicago people’ for all the crime and ‘urban’ voters for stealing the election and ‘illegal aliens’ for all the drugs. What can I do?
Politely inform them there’s no pie for racists.
“Great idea. Thanks.”
Butterball politics hotline. How can I help?
“Please help. My parents and in-laws are fighting about inflation. My sister and aunt are at each other’s throats over abortion. My uncle and daughter are screaming about school vouchers. My cousin is pounding the table, yelling the libs are ruining America while grandma gives him the double bird. I’ve lost control. What can I do?”
Grab a bottle. Find a quiet place in the house and give thanks it’s only once a year.
(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com
24 Hour Dorman, The Gazette
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